My Childhood-Emotional Weight Series

I wrote in my last blog post about finding a new way to getting healthy. I have tried the diet route and I know where that leads me. Since losing my weight and then gaining it back and going through so much shame and depression. I never want to do that again. It caused me to be scared to try again. But I can’t live my life being scared anymore. I have to figure this out. So….. I wanted to break down the issues I think I need to deal with in order to move on to a healthier life and be able to let go of the “Emotional Weight” so that I can ulitmately let go of the physical weight.

These are the areas I feel like I need to heal in no particular order:

1- Childhood issues… what was the younger me lacking and what were the beliefs I gained from that experience.

2- People pleasing / Co-Dependency issues.

3- My relationships. Especially the connection I have with my husband.

4- I stopped dreaming. (Constantly stuck in the past, being a victim and not having a vision of the future anymore)

5- Being Honest with myself and taking responsibility for my life. Which includes learning to step into my own power.

6- Dealing with negative emotions without judgement, guilt and shame.

7- I’m always stuck in scarcity mindset. Especially about money.

8- My connection to God and my soul.

9- Self love – and what does it really mean to love yourself.

10- Letting go of expectations of what I “thought” life would and should look like.

I am sure there are more “issues” that will come up for me but for now, this is what my heart is telling me to look at. I’d like to uncover the real issues to why I want to escape with food so that the true healing can happen. I would like to take some time to break down each one of these in different episodes so…..Here we go with number one!

1- Childhood issues….

Most of our belief systems start in Childhood right? What are we allowed to do? What we are taught to believe. How we talk to each other. How i\others talk to us. What and how we are taught to communicate. How we are taught to show up with other people. Our belief about money. Our religious beliefs. What is right and what is wrong. Some of the things we learn are great and other things could make life more difficult. I don’t even want to think about all the ways I have traumatized my kids in their childhood but I did the best I could and I hope they will be able to forgive me when they see the signs of their issues come out as they grow.

I look back at my childhood as wonderful. I have so many good memories with my family. I feel like we were a close and loving family and still are. My Dad said I came out with a big smile on my face and I was always happy. I was number 5 of 7 kids. I know I was born to this family because I needed to have this exact experience to become who I was meant to be. Looking into what I was taught in my home I only remember a few experiences that have come up for me as indicators that I may need to look deeper into the issue.

I noticed that first off I was not raised to be a strong, independent woman. I believed I needed a man to follow and take care of me. I believed that my Dad knew everything. I was told that If I would just listen to him and do what he tells me then I would be happy and so I did. I learned to do as I am told and then I will be loved. I did feel loved. I knew exactly what I needed to do to get my Dad’s love and affection. I got good at manipulating the situation to make me look good too. I was Daddy’s little princess and he was my perfect Prince.

When I was a little girl this really worked for me. But when I got married it did NOT and I will go into details about that in a later episode where I talk about my relationship with my husband.

I can understand why my Dad would want to tell me to listen to him. I felt the exact same way with my kids. As parents we do not want to watch our kids suffer. We want to help them avoid all the pitfalls. It is correct that parents can see a bigger perspective than the kids see because they have more experience but the learning and growth we develop in making decisions whether right or wrong, help us find out who we really are and I didn’t know who I was. i just knew who I needed be in order to be loved.

I was taught to not speak my mind if it hurts someone’s feelings. That was something my Dad would ALWAYS get upset at us for. I remember a time when I was about 7 years old when my Dad punished me for speaking my mind. He grabbed me, kicked my butt and sent me straight to my room. I don’t remember exactly what I said but it had to do with saying something to my Mom that made her feel bad. So my Dad sent me to my room and I was heartbroken. He came down and talked to me a few minutes later and we discussed why he was upset, what i did wrong and most importantly he made sure I knew that he loved me. We hugged and all was right in the world again. All I needed to do was NOT tell people how I feel if it hurts their feelings.

I was a little performer. My family is a musical family and we did a lot of singing and performing. I was a naturally gifted singer. As a little performer I got A LOT of attention. I think this hindered me a lot because with very little effort, it fed me so much attention externally. I also got a lot of attention from my parents when I was performing, doing plays or pageants. Which was feeding my need to be in the spotlight because remember I have 7 siblings.

But when I wasn’t performing and we were in our everyday life, I felt like I was lacking if i wasn’t the center of attention. Was I too needy? I needed ALL of the attention. I needed to be THE favorite. I probably was a lot for my Mom to take time for. So because of my talents I never learned how to internally find my value. I never had to. I got more attention than the average person would get without really trying.

My Mom really is amazing. She is so talented and always busy doing something great. She had 7 kids, had her own business, my Dad was a bishop and so he was gone alot during this time …. I can’t even imagine what she was going through. But As a little girl I didn’t understand that. I remember a specific times where I felt like I needed more from my Mom. One time I was at the bus stop and I called my Mom and at the end of the conversation I said, “ok bye Mom, I love you!” and she said, “Bye!” and quickly hung up. I was devastated and called her right back, crying. “Mom, why didn’t you say I love you back to me? Don’t you love me?” I laugh now because she was probably right in the middle of something and had to quickly hang up. But to me, as a little girl, I just felt like she didn’t have enough time for me. Another experience was when I was swimming at a pool at a condo my Aunt was renting. I remember wanting my mom to watch me or pay attention to me. So I came up with a beautiful plan. I was going to pretend I am drowning and then she will save me!!!! Perfect plan. I am laughing now because why would she think I was drowning if i wasn’t drowning? haha. So I would go under the water and hold my breath for as long as i could. Floating at the top to look desperate. BUT NO ONE SAVED ME. It is a pretty funny story now that I really think about it. So… when my kids were born I wanted to NOT be too busy for them and I went the other extreme and probably did way too much for them. But that is how is goes right?

So who was I? As a little girl I identified as a singer, a Good GIRL, I am happy and never angry. I just do what i am told. I never wanted to fail. I wanted to stay in the safe zone. I just always wanted to feel loved. I always felt like I was too needy. I had to try not to need so much.

Beliefs that don’t work for me anymore.

1- I need a man to take care of me.

2- I cannot say how I feel if it hurts someones feelings.

3- I am too needy.

4- My value depends on how much attention I am getting or on external factors like performing.

5-It is everyone else’s job to love me and not my own.

6- I don’t want be a leader for myself because I might make a mistake and that could cause me to not be loved so i will just do as i am told.

7- I can’t trust my own feelings. I need someone else to tell me how to feel and what to do.

SO now I am going to end with the new belief’s I am going to take on.

1- I don’t need a man to take care of me because I am capable of taking care of myself.

2- I am not responsible for others feelings.

3- Maybe there isn’t such a thing as too needy. Each of our needs are trying to tell us something.

4- My value doesn’t ever change.

5- I find my value internally not depending on others.

6- I want to be a leader. Making mistakes is part of the journey. My opinion is valued.

7-Trust your feelings. You already have the answers inside of you.

I want to challenge each of my readers to journal about their own childhood experiences. As children our brains develop ways to survive experiences that might seem scary or unsafe. Alot of times we continue those ways into adulthood even if they are not helping us survive anymore. What experiences have an impact in your mind? What beliefs were taught to you that no longer serve you as an adult?

I would love for you to look into inner child healing also. It is so powerful. I have had some wonderful experiences emotionally bonding with the little Aleisha inside of me. Look up videos on youtube if you want a guided healing. They can be so powerful.

Next week we will dive into my People Pleasing and dependency issues. This has been so therapeutic to dive deeper into all of these different topics and I am excited to see what else I learn. If you need any support on this journey please don’t hesitate to reach out to me here or on my social media. I don’t want you to feel alone. We are on this journey together!

Love, Aleisha