People Pleaser, Codependent and Obese – Emotional Weight Series .

After last weeks episode about my childhood it makes sense that I grew up being a people pleaser and I believe I became a codependent after I got married. Actually both my husband and I struggle with people pleasing and codependency. It is interesting in our relationship because I feel like I HAVE to make him happy. He is the one person along with my kids, that I try to please but I don’t feel obligated to please EVERYONE. Now that I think about it… if I am not people pleasing others anymore it could be because I feel obligated to please my husband first. So I can tell people no if I know it isn’t something my husband would be happy with me doing but i would put the blame on him, which makes sense because he would be my excuse.

On the other hand my husband is a people pleaser to everyone BUT me. He will go out of his way to do absolutely anything for anyone but then he develops resentment for those people he is helping because he is so giving and he feels like no one cares about him in the same way. So we have an opposite reaction to our people pleasing tactics which has caused a lot of resentment.

When I am pleasing my husband, just so that I don’t get in trouble, it creates the situation that I am not being honest with him. I am pretending and our trust and intimacy isn’t going to be there. So basically I am lying to my husband about my true feelings so I avoid being in trouble. He on the other hand lies to everyone else and I am the ONLY one he is actually truthful to. So it feels like I get the worst treatment but it is because he doesn’t have to pretend with me.

15 signs you’re a people-pleaser

How many signs of people-pleasing do you recognize in yourself?

You want everyone to like you.
You over-apologize.
You crave validation.
You let people take advantage of you.
You feel guilty or mean when you set boundaries.
You’re afraid of conflict.
You’ve always been a “good girl” (or guy); a rule-follower.
You think self-care is optional.
You feel tense, anxious, or on-edge.
You expect yourself to be perfect and hold yourself to high standards.
You put yourself last and don’t know how to ask for what you need.
You’re sensitive to criticism.
You think your feelings, needs, opinions, and ideas aren’t as important as other people’s
You’re a “fixer”; you hate to see anyone hurt, afraid, sad, or uncomfortable.
You resent always being asked to do more and wish people would consider your feelings and needs.

Mel Robbins put out a video today that said we should look at people pleasing in the lane of security and insecurity. She said if you are a people pleaser (she thinks most people are) it means you have located your worth and your value outside of yourself. It means that others peoples opinions and reactions determine whether or not you are valuable or worthy. it is based in insecurity. She said instead of just kicking people out of our lives and blaming other people is not the answer. She said that the way we deal with People pleasing is that we stop focusing on everybody else and you bring that power internally and your relocate your security within your self!

I love this so much. This is the exact work I am doing right now!

Is codependency the same as people pleasing?

From what I have read you can have people-pleasing tendencies and still not be codependent.

All codependent people are people pleasers, but not all people pleasers are codependent. The two behavioral styles have many similar traits, such as the desire to help, feelings of resentment about always having to show up, and difficulties with setting boundaries.

But codependency is more extreme. If you’re codependent, the person on the other end of the connection is dependent on you for getting their needs met, too and neither of you can function without the other.

I looked up both definitions and this is what I found.

People Pleaser definition: a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.

Codependency definition: a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with an addiction.

I found another codependent definition can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore, your mood, happiness, and identity are defined by the other person.

Signs of codependency include:

Difficulty making decisions in a relationship
Difficulty identifying your feelings
Difficulty communicating in a relationship
Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself
Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem
Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even at your own cost
Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

What does codependency feel like?

When you are struggling with codependency, there can be moments of feeling wonderful — when there is a sense that you are helping or saving someone you care about but those are few and far between. There is usually a significant amount of fear because it feels like you, alone, are solely responsible for another person’s well-being.

At times, you may feel like you’ve lost yourself. As a result, codependency can lead to feelings of anxiety and depression, since your needs have taken a back seat.

What are codependent traits?

Since codependency is not a mental health condition or diagnosis but is instead a behavioral style, there are a few personality traits that are often associated with it. These include:

Cognitive traits

difficulty differentiating between your opinions and other people’s
trouble identifying and expressing your needs
taking on the desires of those around you as your own

Emotional traits

having difficulty saying “no” to other people’s requests
fear of not being accepted, loved, or supported
feelings of inadequacy
low self-esteem

Behavioral traits

assuming more responsibilities than you can handle
doing things for others out of fear or being accepted
enduring connections that may harm you to avoid being lonely
getting caught up in other people’s matters
adding pressure to yourself to support others
not setting boundaries to how much you share with others
seeking approval or validation
“rescuing” people from their challenges, even when not asked to

Signs of codependency

Signs of codependency can show up in multiple areas of your life, like at home or in the office.

These are a few examples:

Family relationships

being on-call for everyone 24-7
completing homework for your child
giving your sibling money that you need for rent
dropping everything for your hostile, aging parent

Work relationships

saying yes to every assignment from your boss
doing favors for your co-worker, even though you’re slammed
regularly picking up the slack on group projects

Romantic relationships

cutting off friends who don’t “get” your girlfriend
changing your schedule around your partner’s needs
habitually skimping on sleep to wait up for your boyfriend
making excuses for your spouse’s angry outburst while drinking
having the constant need to be seen like a hero or savior by your partner

In Conclusion

As scary as it can be to go from being a people pleaser and codependent to finally starting to make sure your needs are being met and starting to tell the truth, it has to be done. Living a life this way is not fun. It is a form of self betrayal because you are not being true to yourself. I have the feeling that my body fat is acting as a body of armor for my soul that has felt betrayed and ingnored for so long.

I know that there is a tie between my codependency issues and my weight issues. People in codependent relationships focus so much on others that they do not take the time to define themselves. They have no sense of self without others. It is impossible to be by yourself if you are always seeing yourself as a part of someone else. So if you are also struggling with people pleasing, codependency and overeating remember that giving up our own needs in order to fulfill someone elses needs leave us feeling empty. When you are feeling empty you look for something to satisfy that need. We all have human needs that need to be fed. This is why I am looking into all the ways I have been emotionally lacking. People Pleasing and codependency has been a huge part in my overeating because instead of facing my need for approval by others… I just turned to food or social media to help me ignore myself even more.

The first step we can take is to just be aware that we are taking care of everyone else and not ourselves.

The second step is learning to listen to yourself and what your needs are. No judgement, just awareness. Learning how to reflect on the past and not judge ourselves is the only way to move past it. Remember that you are divinely created. You are enough right now. You don’t have to do anything to earn God’s love. It is always there. All we need to do is learn how to receive it. One of my favorite meditations to connect with our own value is from Sarah Blondin. I will link it here. You will NOT regret it.

If you want more support, I have a free group on facebook that you can join so we can keep this conversation going. It is always nice to know that you are not alone on this journey. I am not an expert on any of this. I am just a regular woman, trying to find answers to her weight issues. Don’t hesitate to reach out and learn on this journey right along with me! Link to join the free group is here.

Next week we will be talking about my relationship with my husband, Jason. Don’t forget that we need to stop counting on others to make us happy and generate happiness within ourselves. Hope your week is filled with self love, connection and compassion.