My marriage struggles- Emotional Weight Series

In my very first podcast I talked about my husband being the only boyfriend I’ve ever had. He and I started dating when I was 16 and he was 17. Jason was really quiet and shy. He was a really nice guy but I actually liked one of his friends and would flirt with Jason to make this friend jealous. Jason would get the cutest smile on his face when I would flirt with him. And as I got to know Jason, I knew he would be a “safe” person to have a relationship with because I could see his commitment to me, which was comforting, but also terrifying at the same time. I was really afraid of loving someone and having them not love me back (afraid of rejection) so I knew Jason was the safe choice. I decided to ask Jason to the Sadies Dance in 1994 and we’ve been together ever since. BUT not without a lot of bumps in the road.

When I first started dating Jason, he attached to me really quick and it scared me. I got worried that he was liking me too much. I was worried that I was going to hurt HIM. He liked me a lot and it was obvious and then all the sudden, I wasn’t sure how I felt about him anymore. I wasn’t able to express how I felt to him because I didn’t want to make him feel bad (people pleasing) so I would pretend to be the loyal girlfriend but behind his back I hate to admit this but I was flirting with other guys. Maybe I secretly wanted him to not like me anymore??? Then I would be off the hook and not have to hurt him? I am not sure but there was one experience where I was in a play called “The Secret Garden” I was flirting with a guy back stage and he ended up kissing me on stage during one of our performances. I acted innocent and told him I had no idea that it was going to happen when approached by Jason but that was not the truth. I knew it was going to happen and was egging it on.

After a while Jason got tired of me being flirty with other guys so he told me he is going to break up with me if I wasn’t going to be committed to him. I remember watching him walk by me in the hallway at school and NOT EVEN LOOK AT ME! I remember thinking… I am really going to lose him if I don’t take this more seriously. I knew he was a good person. I knew I was just scared and so I decided to give him a chance. Since that day I decided to commit to him and gave him all of my heart. I was so in love with Jason. I couldn’t stand to be away from him even for one day. I could see the codependency being created right here as I am writing this. I didn’t know how to not be with him anymore. I got lost in “us” and started to lose my own identity. Interestingly, this is about the same time that I started to put on weight.

We got engaged while I was still in high school. It was the day before Valentines Day 1996. Before we were married my Dad was warning us about how hard it was going to be financially. I remember him sitting us down and showing us the budgets and how much we would have to make. I was so excited to get married and wasn’t worried at all but Jason was more worried than he led on. I honestly thought marriage was going to be the best thing EVER. My parents never fought and love to be together 24/7 and I thought that was the norm. I had no idea what it was really like. The day we got married, I could feel Jason’s nerves. I didn’t know what that meant. He knew how much my Dad was counting on him to take care of his “princess” and I think Jason was really worried he wouldn’t be good enough.

I remember on our honeymoon feeling his resistance. Instead of asking him if he is ok… I thought it was because he didn’t want to be with me intimately. I felt rejected. I blamed myself and probably felt like my body wasn’t sexy enough because I had gained a little weight. I weighed 145 pounds when I got married. When we met I was probably 130 pounds. One of the saddest parts to look back on was that I even cried on our honeymoon because I missed my Dad!!!! ahhhhh i can’t even imagine how that must have felt to my new husband. Already feeling like he was not enough and then I cry for my DAD on our honeymoon!!!!

Looking back… I wish I had been able to be there for Jason and not make it all about me. But I had no idea how to. I didn’t know how to deal with the rejection. I was looking at it only in my perspective. So I really feel like this is where it all started to change. I consistantly felt like I was not enough for Jason. He could feel it. He didn’t know what was wrong either except that I went from feeling secure with him while we were dating to insecure and then I was looking to my Dad for the validation I needed. I wasn’t able to let go of my Dad and cling to my husband. Physically I was there for him, but emotionally I was not. Then I blamed him for all of it. I know that he would have shown up for me so much more if he felt like I had his back. He is just that kind of person. He would give me the world. All he wanted was to have someone be there for him. We were just so young. Neither of us knew what was going wrong at the time. We both felt alone.

Our relationship has always felt like it was lacking. I was trying to please him while holding resentment for him. He was working hard to prove to my Dad that he was good enough to take care of me while holding resentment for me and my family. Makes total sense now that I am breaking it all down.

After 25 years of marriage we had four kids, three failed businesses, had to sale our family home, had constant money problems, always had debt, we both struggled with addictions. We had toxic and abusive patterns and it was all really hard to go through.

We were definitely in the drama triangle. (I just learned about this! Click on the picture to get more info)

I was the victim. I wanted to blame him for everything. I was also the rescuer. I was always trying to fix him and save him. I never looked at me and what I was doing. I needed him to change so he could take care of me! I wasn’t the persecutor to his face but I did criticize, judge and blame him behind his back.

Jason would also participate in this triangle. He and I both took turns dancing around these different roles with each other. He did get angry and would do and say some really hurtful things. He became controlling because he felt threatened by me not being loyal to him. I can’t imagine being a man who did everything he could to make a successful business just to fail over and over. I have never met anyone who worked as hard as Jason. It was one of his greatest qualities. He put everything he could into proving his worth to my Dad and I and always came up short. It drove him to really dark places. He is now a different person. He is tired. He is lost. He lost his drive for life. He is still struggling to find that again.

During these hard years, there were a few moments that really made me see Jason and how much he truly loved me. These experiences kept me grounded in seeing the truth of who he really was and kept me staying because I knew his spirit was so good. One experience that I had was when we were at the lake and the sand was burning hot. Like getting blisters on your feet hot. Jason and I and all our kids were wearing flip flops and it was so painful to walk on. He told me to take the kids to the van and he would get all the stuff by himself so that we wouldn’t be in pain. I remember seeing him take several trips from the beach to my van knowing his feet were burning but he didn’t care. He was willing to take on the pain to protect me from hurting. I cried that day. Jason was not who I made him out to be.

So I guess the take away from this dive into my relationship is that my inability to tell Jason the truth was detrimental to our relationship. Jason was also wounded and insecure coming into our marriage. He already didn’t feel like enough. He felt like he had to prove himself. I dream of the day that I am able to make enough money to let him quit his job and figure out what makes him happy again. He married me when he was 19 years old and never had that chance to play and have fun. I know it will happen someday soon.

What I have learned:

• In order to have an amazing relationship you have to be willing to be honest even if you are afraid it will disappoint the other person. I still struggle to do this but I am getting better. My mentor is helping me learn how to communicate with love and also how to have realistic expectations.
• Jason and I both want the same things. We want to have connection, intimacy, acceptance and love.
• I can’t just pretend I feel a certain way. If you don’t believe what you are saying, your partner can feel it.
• I want my marriage to Jason to be cared for in love and not in fear.
• We need to keep a more balanced relationship. More dates and fun and not just work.
• I need to have the courage to be myself.
• I need to be dependable and trustworthy.
• Both men and women are designly engineered in a place of love and anything that is not aligned with love in anything we think, feel or do is an ego identity. it is like a script we have been handed by the world. We’ve been told who to be as a man or as a woman.
• whenever we hold resentment it is our ego.

I know there are so many amazing experiences waiting for Jason and I in the future. We have had struggle for 25 years and now I am anticipating the next 25 years are going to be amazing.