Being Honest, taking responsibility for my life and learning to step into my own power – Emotional Weight Series

Ahhhh now this is a subject I needed to look into. We are going to be diving into another emotional weight issue and today we’re going to be talking about me being honest with myself. Me taking responsibility for my life and then also learning how to step into my power. So the first issue is being honest now

Being Honest- It is really interesting because even though I identify as a “GOOD GIRL”. I do have memories of stealing money from my big sister in order to buy candy at the store. I remember being in the kitchen when my sister told my Dad someone was taking her money. I just stayed quiet and NEVER said a word. NOBODY thought it would be me and i didn’t feel too much guilt because I never got caught. I remember stealing candy from this same store. This behavior followed me into adulthood. Just taking small things and not paying for them. I didn’t even know why I would do it. This is something I am curious about why I did. When I went to a 12 step class for my food addiction many years ago, it is something that I made a conscious decision to stop.

As i’m uncovering all of these things in my journey i’m really realizing how dishonest i’ve been with myself and with others too in a lot of ways. What I realized is that as long as I wasn’t getting caught then i didn’t have much of a conscience about it and this just goes along with the fact that i am trying to get all of the validation from outside of me and not going from within me. As i went through that 12-step program I know I remember talking to my husband about this issue that i’m having and i didn’t understand why it was so hard for me to be honest or why i was tempted to take something without paying for it. This is something that I don’t even knowvif i want to say on there because it’s something that i’m not proud of. Maybe there’s something that I need to learn from this right now. I’m not having that problem with being honest but it is something that i have struggled with int he past and i thought it would be important for me to bring that up so that maybe somebody who is listening also has that struggle?

I think that as i was lying to myself and i was lying to everyone else, trying to be what they wanted me to be in order to get their love and approval. Maybe that disconnection from myself made it so that it made me feel alive for a minute? Or maybe the risk of it was an exciting thing? I’m not really sure but it is something that i felt strongly that i needed to confess here as I am uncovering all of these things that I’ve been hiding for so long.

The second thing is taking responsibility for my life. This reminds me of a learning experience i had about two months ago. I was asked by my mentor with a group of ladies to take a deep breath in and out and ask ourselves this question: (and while you are reading this, I invite you to think about this for yourself. If you were to close your eyes and take a deep breath and say these words: :”I belong to me!” How do you feel? What feelings come up? Does it feel freeing? or does it feel dissonance? Does it feel good or not? Maybe you feel a little cringy? If you feel free then that’s great. Belonging to you means that you get to create whatever future you want to create so that is a good thing. But if you are like me and you had dissonance, resistance and you didn’t want to accept it and you didn’t like how you felt when you said those words? Then that just means that there is something else that you need to uncover underneath. I was telling my mentor Angel that I didn’t want to belong to myself because i didn’t want to be responsible for this big body. I didn’t want to be responsible for the fact that I let myself get 300 pounds. I didn’t want to be responsible for the fact that I wasn’t in a financial position that I wanted to be in or that my marriage was the way it was. I wanted to be a victim because if i was a victim then my life would align with the good girl that i always thought that I had to be in order to get acceptance.

As you say these words “I belong to me” to yourself, what feelings come up for you? For me I didn’t want to feel it and this goes along with me not wanting to take responsibility for my life because if I say that I belong to me then all of this is my fault. All of the choices that I made…. All of the weight that I have gained…. All of the situations that Im in like my marriage and the relationships I have…. they are all my fault!!!! If that was the case then I wouldn’t be able to belong into the “story” that i was this good girl that never makes mistakes! One of the biggest issues for me is that I didn’t want to make mistakes at all. I literally wanted to be a perfect child. I wanted to always do the right thing so me being in a body like this and me taking responsibility for this body didn’t align with this idea of who I wanted to be.

I said this in a previous podcast episode but this is an important piece of this story I have been believing. So before I got married, my parents didn’t want me to marry my boyfriend. My dad warned me that there were three things that we were going to struggle with if I chose to marry him and of course me being 18 I went straight to my boyfriend at the time and said, “Hey, my dad’s saying this, this and this. Is this true?” and he was only 19 years old of course he’s gonna say “no!, I promise that will never happen.” He didn’t think he would end up struggling with the things that my Dad said he would struggle with. So I went back to my Dad and told him that I know this isn’t going to happen! I know that Jason isn’t going to be that kind of guy.

So it was the first time in my life that I went against my dad’s advice because I always wanted to do everything my dad told me to do. This was the first time that I was following my own path. So going back into me being responsible for my own life…. as my husband and i went through our marriage, he struggled with all those things that my dad said he would struggle with. i think what was happening was I wanted to fix my husband so he could be in line with that perfection that I promised my Dad that i would be. Because of that most of my marriage, I have been trying to fix Jason so that he can be in line with what I promised my dad he would be. I fit perfectly in the victim role. As long as my husband was the one to blame…. then I wouldn’t have to take responsibility for myself.

Going back to saying to myself, “I belong to me!” I realized in that moment that I was holding on to an idea of perfection or an idea of this good girl who never makes any mistakes. I was holding on to this little girl who felt this belonging with her Mom and Dad. I think that I felt like their love was conditional. I thought that I had to be the good girl for them to love me and once i was able to come full circle and realize that that was not true. I realize that my parents love me no matter what. I realize that life is meant to be experienced and life is not meant for perfection. After 43 years I realized that i was thinking that I couldn’t make a mistake in order to have that belonging with my Mom and Dad but the point is that I don’t need that belonging with my Mom and Dad. I’m lucky that I have it because not everyone has loving parents but i don’t need it. What I need is the belonging with myself and because of my codependency…. because i always wanted to get belonging from outside of me…… I never learned how to do that for myself until now.

This is why the work that I’m doing is so amazing because i’m finally in a place where i’m honest with myself. When i’m honest with myself I’m able to take responsibility for my life and when i’m taking responsibility for my life then i can create the life that i really want instead of waiting for it to fall into place for me and expect everyone else fix it for me. As a little girl I was really good at manipulating the situation so that i got my needs met. I never learned how to do that for myself and I know i keep saying that but it’s really important because I really felt like everybody else liking me… loving me and approving of me…. was what would give me my value.

The third thing is learning to step into my own power. As a little girl, I always wanted to take the clues from outside of me to see where I could gain acceptance. I would notice what my Dad needed and i would be that. I noticed what my friends needed and I would try to be that. I noticed what my Mom needed and I tried to be that for her. In that situation… you can’t step into your power because you’re giving everybody else the power. Another reason i didn’t want to step into my power is because i didn’t want to make a mistake. When we are going to step into our power and make decisions for ourselves then we are going to have to be accountable for whatever happens and again it goes back to me wanting to be perfect and never wanting to make any mistakes. That is just not realistic!

I think it’s really interesting because i wrote down these 10 emotional weight issues that I felt like I needed to work on and it’s beautiful seeing all of this unfold and seeing me dig down into these layers and to really be able to see myself in a different light and see why i do what i do and it just makes sense! i just want to say that being honest, taking responsibility for my life and stepping into my own power are three huge steps in this journey for me to create the life that i want to create. For me to really be inspired by God, I have to be in line with all those things. I feel like i am coming into my own power and i am learning to be responsible. I have been more honest with myself and with the people around me. I’m still working on it.

You know…… it’s not like we’re going to take this journey and never make mistakes. I still have days where i will cry and I will feel scared but the difference is that i know the vision of the future that i want to create. When i get into fear and i start crying or i feel shame….. i can breathe through it. I can remember that…. where I am at is perfect! I am exactly where i need to be! Maybe there’s something that is holding me up? I could ask myself, “What is God trying to teach me? What am i supposed to learn in this moment?”

The last thing that i want to share is…… as you’re going on this journey and you start meditating and breathing and you start getting aligned with truth…… if there’s something that doesn’t feel right….. just dig a little deeper into it and see if there’s something that you can uncover. When we are having emotional issues or when we’re eating emotionally or when we are trying to escape from our lives or when we are sad or when we are experiencing any kind of negative emotion….. Look at it as a clue. That maybe there’s something more to learn. I would invite all of you to go through your life being more curious! Be looking for the lesson. Be searching for where there’s more that you can learn.

We think we know a lot and when we are in a place when we feel like we know everything…… then that’s when learning and growing stops. Always be curious and be willing to see what else there is being taught. We can be willing to get more divine downloads and more instructions from God instead of feeling like you already know what’s best. Maybe go back to God and say, “Is there anything else? What else is there that you want me to hear or that you want me to do or that you want me to learn?”

I just want to say thank you so much for all of your support! If you know somebody who is feeling lost ….. especially because of their body… Please share this with somebody. I really feel like I am being called to share my journey for a reason. This is not for me alone. This is for me to share with other people, my experience of going from feeling shame AND not good enough to realizing that i am everything that i was meant to be. To knowing that I am enough in this moment! Even in this BIG body!!!! Once i come to the place that i know that I am enough…… then i can go on to the next level of growth and expansion!!!! I believe that that’s what God wants for us. Stop thinking that you have to be somewhere and just accept where you are. Then the world will start opening up more and you will have more to learn and more to experience and more to grow and there’s just all these different layers and levels but it’s joyful going through it.. it’s not painful and restriction. It isn’t about experiencing pain until i get there….. it’s enjoying the journey while i’m going through it. I hope all of you have the most amazing week, filled with love, truth and standing in your own power! Have an amazing week.