My Connection to God and my Soul – Emotional Weight Series

Hello everyone!  Welcome to finding myself through obesity. I am so grateful for all the things that I’m learning.  Today I get to talk about a subject that I love so much and that is my connection to God and my soul. I’ve always been a spiritual being. Even as a teenager I loved listening to spiritual music. I would go to the park or something and I would want to listen to uplifting and spiritual music.  I loved how I felt close to God when I would listen to it.  

One of my biggest dreams is to write songs that help people feel close to God. Because music has been so important to me.  Going through all of this trial… I’ve actually written some songs and I am excited to put music to it. One of the things that I noticed about my connection to God is I looked at God as a Parent figure in the same way that I looked at my Dad.   I’m pretty sure that I put my dad as a higher priority than I put God. I definitely think that is something that I did was put my data on that pedestal for being a god-like figure to me. When I went on my weight-loss Journey a couple years ago, I felt so connected to God.  I remember kneeling and praying and being able to have this conversation with God.And I felt so connected.  If you watch my old YouTube videos, you will see how connected I felt with God.  After I gained my weight back tonight I started feeling very embarrassed and ashamed. In fact I wrote a song called “Hiding From God”  If you want to hear it then you can go to my podcast episode 10 to listen to a verse of that.  This is part of the lyrics.

I’m hiding from God

My soul under cover.

Darkness en folds

Once light now grows dimmer. 

Sit still, don’t move

I’m hiding from you. 

So dark, it’s true

I’m Scared I will not make it through. 

Even though it’s dark 

I’m hiding from you.  

So that is just a little piece of that song that I wrote. It is interesting looking back at it because that was at a time when I was feeling like I wanted to hide from not only the people in my life but alsoI wanted to hide from God and I remember trying to kneel and pray and I would be in this stupor of thought. I could not even get my thoughts together when I would kneel down to pray.  My mind would go blank.  And it was this interesting feeling. I would get up and not pray and I stopped trying to pray.  I think this is  a really interesting part because I’ve always felt like the spiritual being I’ve always believed that we are here for a purpose. And I believe that God is guiding us but I think that I felt like it was conditional in the way that I felt like my dad’s love was conditional or my parents love is conditional even though wasn’t I felt like I had to behave a certain way or do certain things in order to get that love and receive that love.   What I wanted to share with you today is that I know now that God’s love for us is so unconditional.  

In my meditation I can go up and imagine myself being embraced by God. And it is one of the most amazing feelings of love that I’ve ever felt before. This lady my friend met told her that she had a near-death experience and when she died she felt so much love that when she came back she wanted everybody to know how loved they are. Because shed see so many people suffering and feeling like they are not enough and because of this, she would go up to everybody and tell them, “ I love you and you’re so loved” and she feel like that is her mission to make sure people know how loved they are.  And I thought that was a beautiful moment to hear someone else have that same testifying experience even though I’m having it in my meditations. I feel like God is guiding me.   so I feel like it is truth. His love is unconditional.   I have been raised in a religious home.  I think there was a lot of misunderstanding about worthiness and God’s love and what he expects of us. I think he is so loving and embracing.  He  is like the father that sitting in the stands at a ballgame who is cheering us on because he sees the whole game. He sees the beginning he sees the ending end because he sees the whole game he knows what’s going to bring you true happiness. 

I do think that we can accept God’s love as great as we can accept our own love?  This is a question I have been pondering because when I was in that dark place, I wanted to hide from him.  I wanted to hide because I would be embarrassed of myself so maybe our Ability to feel God’s love is equal to the ability that we can love ourselves. Just something that I’ve been thinking about lately. 

I do feel like we were all divinely created. I believe that we each have something to bless the world with. And that we’re here for a purpose to find that about ourselves. What are those special gifts that God has given us?  How can we develop them?  How can we share those gifts?  So just like in the song I was sharing about Hiding From God… all of these things I am uncovering in this emotional weight series…. Are things that I was trying to hide from myself also! And when I am aligning with truth and I’m just bringing awareness to what is real. Then my spirit is free to come out and to be free. Is so important to me that I feel connected to God and  all of these steps that I am taking are allowing me to have even more of a connection to God then I had before.   By aligning Body,  Mind and Spirit with truth has been the most amazing experience.  As I am  being able to look at myself it has been so freeing and amazing. 

In conclusion if I could leave anything that you would remember out of this blog post is that you know how loved you are.  God’s love is so encompassing and he wants us to value ourselves as his creations!  So go out there and find out what your god-given gifts are and share them with the world.   See where it takes you!   And as I am saying this…. I know that I need to continue singing because I know that I was given a gift from God to be able to sing.  I love it when people ask me to sing in church especially. I feel like that is where my voice has the most power…. When I am singing about God and testifying of God through song and through music.  

Speaking of singing…  I wanted to share the song that I wrote.  The hiding from God is different than this one.   This one’s called..  “Help Me Know Me.”  and again I wrote this when I was in my dark place trying to figure out who I am and I was so confused cuz I didn’t know what was going on with me.   so I wanted to share this with you.  

If you want to listen to the songs… I sing them a capella in episode 10 of my podcast.  You can go to the podcast link on my website and listen there.  🙂  Here are the lyrics to this song.

When I look at my reflection 

I don’t see me anymore.

Both my Eyes are full of Sadness 

and my tears become the shore. 

I am staring straight at nothing. 

I feel numbness to my core. 

Once a girl who felt connected. 

Now she tumbled to the floor. 

I’m taking a moment Looking deep in my soul,

looking past all the darkness 

How am I supposed to know. 

Who I am anymore. 

Deeper and deeper I quiet my mind. 

Closing my eyes. So I breathe peace this time.

In my prayer I ask you father. 

Wrap your arms around me more.   

Lift me up show me my potential.

Help me lift myself and soar.   

Give me a simple glimpse

When I see me through your eyes. 

Help me remember 

through all goodness you’re disguised. 

I’m taking a moment Looking deep in my soul,

looking past all the darkness 

How am I supposed to know. 

Who I am anymore. 

God help me know ME.  

God help me be me.

Thanks you guys.  See you next week!