Moments of doubt in sharing my Weight loss journey.

I have been really struggling to not have negative thoughts about this journey that I am on.  I wanted to talk about this on my podcast because I’ve been so positive I’ve been honest about my journey I’ve been feeling really good about things but Wow this week I’ve been really kicked back and feel like there was a lot of Doubt a lot of fear a lot of questioning and what I was doing.   

One of the thoughts I was having was “Who do I think I am?” “Who do I think I am to create a podcast and think I can help people lose weight?”  “What if I can’t even lose weight?”  “What if losing weight is never going to happen for me?” 

Another thought I had was… “What are people thinking about me?” “Are they looking at my videos and laughing at me?” “ Are they making fun of me?” “Are they looking at the way that my eyebrows move?”  because I know I do these weird things with my face when I talk. Haha All those thoughts of what people are thinking of me and what they’re saying about me.

 Another thought I had was “What if people are annoyed by my videos and annoyed about the content that I am putting out there?”  I want to come across as sincere but sometimes when I record my videos and I listen back to them… there are parts of the videos that I feel is kind of cringy. Then I have the thought that “if it’s cringy to me, is probably cringy to them”. 

And the other thought I was having was “What if I fail again?” “What if I fail just like I did last time?”  “What if I never achieve success?”  “What if I will never be able to do all the things that I see in my meditations?”  “What if it’s just a dream and I will never put the work in to make it happen?” “What if I quit?” Because in the past that’s what I’ve always done…. is quit.  

So I was feeling a lot of shame, doubt and fear.   I went deep down into a rabbit hole. It started all throughout last week because I was making a whole bunch of content for my social media outlets.  I felt inspired with ideas all throughout the week for example,  I recorded a 6 part “ 3 things I wish I knew in my twenties” series.  I felt inspired to do these videos but then I had very little comments or likes.  I felt like nobody’s listening to it and so then all of a sudden I start having these little seeds of doubt being planted.  Then I went out to my family’s property and saw my brother-in-law’s and my nieces and I felt really embarrassed. and that’s where it all hit me.  It started throughout the week but then it really hit me when I saw people and I was thinking those negative thoughts like…  “What if they’re looking at me and wondering what the heck I’m doing!” “They are probably thinking I’m weird or they are making fun of me.” It just started to snowball from there and I started to feel so much doubt.

 I got really emotional and I told my husband that I don’t know if I can do this.  It’s hard to face all of these things and I’ve never wanted to be annoying or to actl like I know everything. But it’s just something that I have to face. My husband and my kids were there encouraging me and trying to help me through those moments which I’m so grateful for but I’m still feeling those things right now.

 I went through my notes that I take when i am coached by my mentor Angel. She just told me that there are two statements that people say that are red flags to her. One of them is “I feel stuck” and the other one is  “I’m struggling” and that’s what I feel right now.  I feel like I’m struggling.  She said that if your struggling… your soul is trying to say something and your ego is rejecting it.  So as I’m going back looking at all the thoughts that I was having…. that is my ego telling me that I’m not enough.   My ego is saying “You don’t want people to make fun of you!”  I’ve always wanted to be liked.  I didn’t want to be annoying! 

So I’m here asking myself “When did I stop listening to my soul and start listening to my ego?” It was all those little tiny things.  I was looking at other people to validate my experience. So I wanted the comments, the views and the feedback so that I felt good about what I was doing.  But that’s not how life is all the time and if I continue to share and I continue to learn then I’m going to win in the end because I will have changed my life.  It doesn’t matter who comes along with me because there are so many things in the works that are for me! So many things in this journey that are for my husband and I and for our relationship.  There are so many benefits for my family.  So much more to learn and become than a like or a comment on a post.  

As I’m typing this right now…. I’m reminding myself that I need to say to myself this statement when I am feeling stuck or struggling.   “When did I stop listening to my soul and start listening to my ego?”   Whenever you feel stuck or struggling ask yourself “What does my soul want and what is my ego is telling me?”  “What your ego is holding you back from?”  

What is your soul want that is your ego rejecting?  You can’t have those things that your soul is asking for  if your ego is in control.  That goes along with all the things that I’m learning on this podcast. I am learning all the ways that I wanted to be what everyone else needed me to be. I am learning all the ways that I thought that I was good enough just because of the likes, the comments, the friends, all the people that are in my life and the attention I was getting. 

I stopped listening to myself!  I don’t know that I ever listened to myself.  I probably stopped since I was a little girl when I got in trouble for not staying in line with my parents expectations.  All I wanted to do was be liked and be approved of. Because I honestly I felt like if I was liked then I was enough, but it was still empty and it was still conditional. The most freeing feeling for me is when I can give that to myself.  That’s why I love that meditation that is called Loving and Listening to yourself by Sarah blondin.  I will share the link here. https://insighttimer.com/sarahblondin/guided-meditations/loving-and-listening-to-yourself

If you haven’t listened to it yet…. DO IT NOW!  Yes I meant for that to be a little forceful hehe.  It’s so beautiful.  It basically teaches us that we have everything we need inside of us.  We just need to take a minute every single day to say to ourselves… I love you and I’m listening.  Honestly when is the last time you really said that to yourself ?  I’m listening?  I’m listening to my soul…. I’m not listening to my ego anymore.   My soul needs to be heard and right now my soul is telling me that this is all part of my experience. 

Our healing path is up and down. It’s not a straight line. How often are we feeling shame?  I’m afraid of failing and I am afraid of feeling that shame because other people are watching me on this journey and shame is the hardest thing to feel.  Shame keeps us from growing.  I’m going to work on releasing all of that shame.  I am going to work on accepting my imperfections and even welcoming my imperfections.  Maybe all the things that I feel doubt, shame and embarrassed…. Those days are here to help me too? 

I feel like maybe there are benefits of doubting myself?  Maybe it keeps me humble? Maybe it keeps me learning more?  Possibly it keeps me on my toes and it keeps me searching.  Maybe it keeps me not feeling like I know everything.  I’m going to consider that maybe I can learn things from my doubt also.  Possibly I can embrace this feeling of being scared.  I know that it will pass. 

To be honest… I’ve had a really hard time meditating lately.  Every single morning… I would get up and I would meditate. Iit would help me picture the life that I am working towards every single morning.  I would get up so excited about life. But lately… I’ve had a hard time getting up early and so that could be part of why I’m falling and slipping down into that old pattern of thinking that I used to have.  I’m going to commit to getting up and doing those meditations again.  It makes such a difference and I just wanted to be honest.  I was very good at doing it every single day and then I stopped getting up in the morning and when it doesn’t happen first thing in the morning…. a lot of times it doesn’t happen at all.  I’m going to do better about that. 

I want to commit to being true my soul and I’m really grateful for my mentor Angel.  She has really been teaching me how to listen to my soul.  She helps remind me to embrace all of the experiences that we have.  To allow all the emotions. To know that all the things are here to teach us.  That’s why I wanted to share this struggling week with you today.  I just want to share the ups and downs and I am grateful that you are a part of it.  

I know that next week I will come back and have something else that I can share and something else that I’ve learned.  Thank you for being here and just remember…. if you’ve been filled with doubt… just know that you’re not alone.  We are all in this Human Experience together!

We’ll see you guys next week!