Are you truly being you?
Are you truly being you? Now that is a deep question if you really think about it. I mean… how do we even know if we are being our truest self or not? We are born into our families and learn who to be, by watching the examples around us. We are influenced by parents, siblings, teachers, religion, society, friends and so much more. When we are young… this is the way we learned to walk and talk. We would watch others and mimic them. We also learned what is and is not acceptable behavior. We discovered there are cues to stop and go…. just by seeing how others react to us. We watch, listen and do. We have a deep need to be seen and noticed, to be loved and accepted. This all works for us until one day we get hurt. We experience a moment where we feel like somebody didn’t care about us or didn’t respect us and our little hearts become confused. Then we start perceiving life through a new lens. A lens that isn’t clean anymore. We start looking around and notice that everyone else is using others to determine their worth so… of course…. that must be the way we measure who we should become right?
You might be asking what the heck does that have to do with being our truest self? I am discovering that it has EVERYTHING to do with it. Let me explain…. When we are small children… we are playful, in the moment, and feel the most free to be ourselves. When we experience the hurt, disrespect or rejection we become more and more disconnected with our true self.
My youngest son Ethan, who is 12 now… loved dressing up in costumes. He would literally be in a costume every single day for years. He was either dressed as Mario or Woody from Toy Story. This little boy was so full of joy. He was such a character. He loved to make youtube videos. He was so happy and carefree. He was always talking to people and making them smile. Then it started to slow down and eventually stop altogether. He started to experience more fear. He started to be more aware of what others think of him. He started to get worried about how he looks to the world. He changed. He is a shell of the boy he once was. He even talks about how embarrassed he is about how he used to be. It is so sad. I’ve watched this happen to each one of my kids. They turn a certain age and all the sudden they are more aware of everyone else and less aware of themselves. It happens to all of us.
This is where our healing starts. Healing these wounds so that we can learn who we are and be who we are.
I love the meditation by Sarah Blondin titled, Loving and listening to yourself. Here is a link if you haven’t listened to it yet. If you take the time to really listen to her words. You will see exactly why we are all experiencing this problem of feeling alone and looking to others for approval. I would love to hear the thoughts that come up when others listen to this for the first time. I was in a good place to be able to receive this message. I know that the love I need is within me. I just never knew it before now.
As I was studying how to find your truest self… I came across a Tony Robbins post. He shared 6 steps we can do to help us find our truest selves. I decided to share his post:
1. REFLECT ON YOUR STORY
All of our actions and decisions reflect the story we tell ourselves – the beliefs we’ve formed beginning in childhood, when we wanted to earn the love of our caretakers. The events and experiences of our lives since then, as well as our knowledge about the world, influence our story into adulthood.
If you’re interested in finding yourself, reflection is the first step. Use a journal to record how you became the person you are today. Begin a meditation practice to quiet your mind and dig deeper into who you really are. Releasing your emotions has a cathartic effect that will start you on your journey toward understanding how to find yourself.
2. DETERMINE YOUR VALUES
Don’t make the mistake of believing your past is your story. As Tony tells us, “Everybody’s got a past. The past does not equal the future unless you live there.” While it’s helpful to reflect on your past in order to discover how you’ve formed the beliefs you have today, learning how to find yourself is about growth and forward movement.
No matter what happened in your past, it’s up to you to determine your values. Our values are our guiding light in the world, yet so many of us don’t know our own values. We have an idea in our head of who we “should” be – but this idea of ourselves comes from limiting beliefs that are formed as a result of others’ opinions, not our own. You can change your values. You can be whatever you desire, as long as you believe in yourself.
3. SILENCE YOUR NEGATIVE SELF-TALK
As you reflect on your story and begin to determine your values, you’ll naturally tune in to your self-talk. Perhaps you’ve noticed it before – but have you ever questioned it? Is your self-talk positive or negative, empowering or disempowering? Does it encourage you to get out of your comfort zone or keep you living in fear?
If you’re saying to yourself, “How can I possibly focus on finding myself?” then it’s time to silence your inner critic. Examine your thoughts as if you are your own best friend – you’d probably never let your friends talk to themselves that way. Once you recognize damaging thoughts, replace them with empowering ones that push you toward your goals instead of holding you back.
4. DISCOVER YOUR STRENGTHS
When you go through life living up to others’ expectations and allowing negative self-talk to bring you down, it’s impossible to know how to find your true self. When you begin the journey to finding yourself, discovering your strengths can be the most exciting part.
To start the process, think back on the last time you felt like you were in your element. Were you writing, singing, playing a sport, connecting with someone on a deep level, fixing things around the house or volunteering? This feeling of happiness and purpose is a sign of your strengths. Once you’ve identified your strengths, you can leverage them – along with your values – to create an extraordinary life.
5. RECOGNIZE WHAT DOESN’T SERVE YOU
Still thinking, “Finding myself seems impossible”? If you’re still struggling to find yourself, you need to reveal who you are as an individual. To do that, you need to free yourself from patterns and relationships that don’t serve you.
The human brain craves patterns because they conserve energy. When we fall into patterns, the brain doesn’t have to make decisions about certain actions and behaviors. Patterns can be extremely damaging, but once you recognize them, you can build better habits that serve you.
Even more difficult than changing your habits is recognizing the relationships that don’t serve you. But you must let them go. Instead, surround yourself with people who allow you to be your best self, with no inhibitions. People who encourage you to aim higher, achieve more and reach your peak state. Anything less, and you will always wonder how to find yourself – and never find out.
Here is another really great post about how to find your true self. Click here to read the blog if you want to take the tests.
So how can you know who you are and what you ought to do in life? Here are the six steps you need to take in order to know your true self:
1. Be quiet.
You cannot and will not be able to discover yourself until you take the time to be still. Many people don’t know themselves because any sort of silence scares them; it’s too uncomfortable to be alone with every flaw staring back at them. But it isn’t until you get alone, evaluate yourself and are completely truthful with yourself that you will actually be able to see every facet of your life—the good and the bad. Be quiet and discover your true self.
2. Realize who you truly are, not who you want to be.
I know you already have a set idea of who you desperately want to be, but it might not be who you were designed to be. When you know who you are, you will finally see where you and your specific gifts fit into the bigger picture.
And although there are many points along your journey to help you discover yourself, the best way to begin is to take a personality test and the StrengthsFinder test. (If it’s been five or more years since you’ve completed either of these, take them again.) No, these self-evaluations aren’t perfect, but they do pinpoint your top areas of strengths, so you can focus on the change you were meant to bring into the world.
3. Find what you are good at (and not good at).
This might be the most difficult step in discovering who you truly are, but it’s a necessary one. Sure, it takes trial and error to find what you’re good at, and no, I don’t want you to give up before you’ve had more than enough attempts, but knowing when to quit is a gift that everyone needs to learn.
Quit when you’ve put in ample time and your efforts aren’t giving back. What is ample time? Only you can decide that. But when you quit correctly, it isn’t giving up, it’s making room for something better. When your actions do nothing but drain you—rather than produce more passion and increase your drive to do more—that’s a good sign it is time to focus elsewhere. Your strengths will show you who you are.
4. Find what you are passionate about.
Following passion of any kind is a good thing, and you need to pay attention when it comes because it shows an area of life that you need to pay more attention to. If we’re talking about following your passion in work, it’s a good thing. And if we’re talking about having more passion for life, it’s a good thing. Focus more on passion; understand yourself in better ways, and you’ll make a bigger impact. Passion produces effort and continuous effort produces results, which produces a deeper discovery of your true self.
5. Ask for feedback.
If you don’t know yourself, hearing what others have to say about you is a helpful practice. Ask them two simple questions: “What strengths do you think I need to develop further?” and “What weaknesses do you think I need to work on?” Of course, their opinion isn’t going to be perfect, but their feedback will probably indicate a few areas you should at least take a second look at. This step is especially important for those who are stuck in finding themselves. Sometimes those closest to us can see something we might not be able to see in ourselves.
6. Assess your relationships.
A large aspect of discovering yourself can be found in your relationships. When you realize you’ll never truly know anyone else until you discover yourself, the importance of knowing yourself becomes even more apparent. This truth especially rings true for business leaders, because if you don’t know the people on your team, then you will be lost as a leader. But this rule also applies to any relationship in your life. Almost as much as you need to know yourself, other people also need to know who you are. People need you—the real you.
Use your reflections to fight your biggest fears, because when you understand who you are, your purpose will finally become bigger than your fears. When you realize who you are, you will spend less time spinning your wheels. Focusing on your strengths gives you the needed traction to make a bigger and better difference in the world. When you know yourself, you will find more peace, and you will find success quicker than ever before.
Now go take action and find your true self, starting today.