I’ve got my own back
Hello my friends.
Today is my birthday and for some reason every single time I have a birthday since I’ve become an adult I cry. I feel lonely and I’m sad. And it didn’t really make sense to me and as I talk to other women I’ve seen other people have that same experience. It’s like we have this expectation of the attention that we should get from other people. And I feel like when we’re young we get celebrated and we are made into this big deal and then when we get older it feels like I’m longing for that external validation of my importance in this world and I’ve decided I’m not going to cry on my birthday this year. Because I’m no longer searching for that external validation. I looked in the mirror and just had a little conversation with myself not out loud but in my mind. And some of the words that came to me were and we haven’t been very good to each other. and I’m sorry for that but I see you now and I want you to know that I have your back. And it made me think about all the times that we stand up for ourselves physically like maybe we stand up for someone who said something mean to us or we set up a boundary because we said hey we’re not going to put up with that we deserve better.
How many times do we beat ourselves up in our thoughts and the way that we look at ourselves? How many times do we stand up to our own bully inside of us? It made me think about how many times we look in the mirror and criticize ourselves? How many times do we look in the mirror and not even look at ourselves… I mean really look at ourselves? Not only externally by judging what we see or criticizing what we see, but never really looking inside our soul and pay attention to the thoughts that we’re having about ourselves. Try practicing compassion towards yourself and lets remind ourselves that we are enough in this world. That we are perfect just the way we are that everything we’ve experienced is exactly how it should be. All the things that we are and all the things that we have become or part of the plan I decided I was going to take a minute and look at myself in the eyes and I could see the kindness and the love and inside of my soul I could feel the connection between myself and I could feel the relationship that we are building my higher self with me. I know that we are one but we have this inner voice that keeps us from looking at ourselves when we have shame or we feel like we should be something that we are not. There’s a separation. It’s like Sarah blonden says in one of her meditations….she says we are in between our true self. On one side is our storied self, who we think that we should… be who the world has told us that we should be.
Then on the other side is our true self and we’re stuck in the middle of that and I find that to be true. When I’m saying that I’m connecting with me and I’m having a relationship with me. It’s like we are the same person but separated because of our stories. Separated because of what we think we should be.
Today on my birthday, even if I’m alone at this moment… I’m choosing to enjoy the moments with myself. In the past I couldn’t do that. I needed that external validation to show me that I’m important to the world but the funny thing is that I have so many friends. I have so many people that reach out to me that love me but it never was enough. What I’m telling you today is that I’m discovering that no matter how many people love you no matter how much attention you get in this world it is never enough. If you’re not able to have your own back… if you are not able to say i am okay by myself. I am okay in my own thoughts. I am having my own back in the way that I’m thinking about myself. I am being compassionate to myself. I’m forgiving myself when I have a thought and I’m using it as awareness and as a clue that I need to center. I need to breathe a little more and I need to realize who I am again.
One of the things that my mentor Angel shares with us a lot is how a newborn baby comes to this earth and they are just perfect today is my birthday and the day that I was born… I’m sure my parents held me in their arms and thought that I was perfect. We all think this when we
think about a baby… a brand new baby… just how perfect they are. They are just all love. Then she reminds us to think about this…. when did we decide that a baby had to earn their value? They do nothing. They sit around. They are helpless and you have to do everything for them but they are just a piece of heaven. They’re just pure love.
What if all of us believed that we are just beings of love?
After going to the retreat, I realized how much love can heal our hearts. The unconditional love… the way that you can just show up as you are and you are embraced and loved for it. Why is that such a strange feeling? It’s so amazing and it’s freeing. When I had lunch with my friends yesterday. They were you know a couple of my new sisters from the retreat and we all are having the same amazing experience where we were coming back to our homes and seeing this new world… seeing that love is the answer to all the problems? If we could love ourselves and we could love other people and accept where we are…. then we will be able to become who God meant us to become. I feel like that’s one of the biggest tools that satan has in this world is to convince us that we’re not worth it. He would win if he could convince us that we should be ashamed of who we are and that we should be more but in my experience I’m feeling like once we accept that we are valued and loved just as we are. That’s when we can move to the next step. That’s when true growth actually happens. I’m finding that it’s opposite than I’ve ever been taught in my life.
I know I say this a lot but I’m just so grateful. I can’t put it into any other words except that I am so grateful to be able to have this birthday. I just had breakfast with myself. I had a bath and I am enjoying being with myself. I have never had a birthday like that.
I am grateful that I’m finally being able to look at myself in the mirror and say I’ve got your back in all the ways. I’ve got your back today. I am not crying today. Instead I’m celebrating my life and who I am and this beautiful relationship that I am developing with myself.
It is going to be an amazing year of self-discovery and I am 44 today.
I am looking forward to the things that I can build for myself and the peace that I have with who I am and what I’m learning and the ability that I have to love.