The Circle of Abundance
Welcome to Finding Myself Through Obesity. I’m going to be continuing to talk about abundance. There is a lot of fear that I’ve had around money for a long time and this is something I am just ready to dive into and figure out. I have a couple of things that I wanted to share.
The first one is that I had something come up for me. Last week in my podcast episode, I talked about the fear that I had come up for me when the money was starting to run out. It would cause me to be afraid that I couldn’t feed myself. All of a sudden I had this thought about me when I was a little girl. I was young I remember I would steal money from my sister so that I could buy me candy at the store. I approached my mentor about this I asked if maybe there a connection between me stealing money to buy myself food when I was a little girl and the connection I have with me now wanting to have money to make sure I can buy myself food. I really didn’t think that there was a connection with that because I thought oh well I’m eating because I’m big and I need to feed myself. I need to feed that addiction. I am being taught to be curious and look into all the thoughts we are having. I am asking myself now…. What if it was the same drive to feed myself back then when I was a little girl as it is now?
I’m thinking that if I was born in this day of age I probably would have been an overweight little girl. The signs off addiction were there for sure. Luckily my family didn’t have a lot of junk food available to us when I was growing up. We had a farm. We lived on a farm. My dad actually milked a cow. We had our own milk, cheese and butter. We had a garden and we ate a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. I remember not having soda very often or even sugar cereal but I do remember really having this drive to get candy for myself at the bus stop. I’m trying to connect the dots because maybe this isn’t an issue of me needing to feed myself now just because I’m big…. maybe this is something that’s deeper.
I was wondering if there was some kind of a reason or if there was like a thing that I had to do about it or if I had to figure out why so I told my mentor about what was coming up for me. Maybe it had something to do with my childhood? So she gave me an exercise to do and I really think it’s helped me this week. She told me to do the ho’oponopono meditation. It’s a deep healing exercise and so what she told me to do was to go back to that little girl when she was going into her sister’s room to steal that money. Sit with her. Close your eyes and picture her face and allow you to speak these words to her…
Aleisha, I’m sorry that…. And speak whatever comes to your mind. I am sorry that you feel like you need to steal this money. I’m sorry that you’re hungry. I’m sorry that your needs aren’t being met right now. I’m sorry that you feel like there’s more that you need to have in your life. I’m sorry that you don’t feel complete or full.
The next thing she said to do was move on to…
Aleisha, I forgive you….. And speak whatever comes to your mind. Aleisha I forgive you for taking that money. I forgive you for doing whatever it took to get those needs met. I forgive you for stealing money from people. I forgive you for stealing candy at that store. I had a lot of things come up that I had done that were dishonest that had to do with making sure I had money so that I could buy food. Anything that I did that was dishonest had to do with food and like hoarding money just so that I could have the ability to buy this food. It’s interesting how I was identifying as this good girl who did everything right but for some reason I didn’t have a conscience for things that I didn’t get caught for. Does that even make sense? Haha I’m really working on that. Then the next thing was…
Aleisha, I thank you….. And speak whatever comes to your mind… Aleisha I thank you for being so loving. I thank you for doing what you had to to make sure that your needs are met. I’m not exactly sure what I said because I didn’t write it down but it was very powerful. I’m kind of just reliving it with my eyes closed and going to that girl and trying to heal that guilt that I have held on to. I do not understand this need for this dishonesty and this scarcity mindset that I had around buying myself food. So the last part of this little exercise is you say…
Aleisha, I love you …. and you sit in the feeling of love for her. Imagine you giving her the love that no one gave her back then. Give her the love that she was wanting and needing that she felt like she wasn’t getting.
In review… there are four steps:
I’m sorry.
I forgive you.
I thank you.
I love you.
I’m so grateful for that. It was very healing for me. I don’t know, I think that I felt like there was a deeper reason. But maybe I just wasn’t getting my needs met and that was a substitute for that. Maybe my food addiction and my over-eating stems from that little girl who found a way to get those needs met. She discovered a way that she could feel good. When she had candy and when she ate sugar and it taught her that this is the way that we get through these moments.
Another thing that happened to me is that when I was probably like 8 or 9, my parents accidently left me at a gas station in California. We had seven kids in our family and so I’m sure it was hard for them to keep track of everyone but anyway… I was at the store and I was looking around and I remember just not being able to find them so I remember that I went up to the lady at the cash register and I said I can’t find my family in and she took care of me. The next thing I remember was that she gave me this ice cream cone. The reason I’m sharing this story is because I think it’s interesting that as I look back at that moment, I don’t think about the scare or the fear of my parents leaving me. I had a confidence that they were coming back to get me because I knew that they loved me but what I remember about that moment was the ice cream cone. I remember sitting on the bench in front of that little store and eating an ice cream cone. The reason why I think that is so impactful is because it just shows how powerful that ice cream, that Sugar, the food was to me. It shows that it fed me what I was needing at that moment.
I appreciate Angel giving me this idea to reconcile with myself, with the little girl inside of me…. to forgive her and to let her know that she doesn’t have to turn to that anymore. I am letting her know that I’m here for her and that I love her. I am showing up for her now. It is so powerful.
The last thing that I wanted to share today is that after doing this healing work in my childhood… it made me realize that I could see abundance as being like a circle. I picture this circle constantly turning all the time. I realized that every single time I would take something that circle would have a fracture in the rotation. The law of abundance is you’re going to give and then it’s going to come back to you and you’re going to receive. I am realizing that I was constantly taking and I now see that I was fracturing that constant return for me. No wonder why I have always struggled with money. I feel like it is happening because I’m not freely giving and allowing it to come back
I also realized that I did the same thing with love. I had to be the best. I had to be the favorite. I felt that if I wasn’t everything to you… I was nothing to you. I was thinking about how much happier my life could have been if I would have known that I could give love and I could expand it. I could have invited my sister to join in on this love that I am feeling and receiving. I could have shared the love with her instead of taking it all for myself.
This abundance is not just with money… it is with everything. I felt like it was so scarce that I had to fight for attention. I had to fight for love. I had to fight to feed myself and I was never hungry. We never went hungry. My family always had food but it was the certain food that I was looking for to feed the needs that I had. For some reason those emotions were not being met.
I had a little moment with my eight year old self. I asked her if there is anything she wanted to tell me and she said, “I just want to be seen!” She was explaining to me that she was put inside of this box and that her personality didn’t fit in that box. She had to shrink down to that box. It just makes sense to me. That’s why I love this work because I’m learning to trust myself. I’m learning to listen to myself. I’m learning that I’m not just crazy. Things happen for a reason. I’m eating for a reason…. and even though those reasons were lies and they weren’t even serving me. I have to forgive myself and be kind and compassionate to me because I didn’t know any different. I didn’t know how to get through those moments in any other way. So I’m grateful that I could say to myself, Aleisha, I’m sorry for all the things that you were feeling that I didn’t give you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to give to you all that you looked for in other people. I forgive you for all the things you did to survive… all the things that you did that you felt guilty for that you held onto… all the things that you try to cover up and hide… all the things that you felt ashamed for but you never could bring to the surface.
Aleisha… Thank you for taking care of yourself and continually showing up and thank you for your big heart and for your ability to love. I love the compassion and the care that you have for other people. I love that you are getting out of that box. I know you were exploring and seeing what else there is for you in this world. I’m grateful you didn’t give up and you can keep searching for answers so thank you to the little me.
I have had some amazing experiences this past week since I did this work. When I have fear comes up around money… I just picture this circle in front of me. I picture my arms out to God saying I’m ready to receive. I picture that I have to flow out to have it come back to me and I remind myself that I choose to stay honest. I choose to stay grateful. I choose to believe that there is more out there for me. I choose to let go of the fear and trust that God knows what he’s doing.
I’m going to try not to fracture that Circle and that flow of abundance and it’s not about perfection… it’s about coming back to alignment when you find yourself back in your old patterns or find yourself in a scarcity place again. It’s just a reminder to come back to the center.
I am feeling so hopeful. I’m feeling a change inside of me and I knew that this layer was here and I’m sure there’s more underneath still but this really feels good to let go of this layer… to get to the bottom of it and see that it’s just something I needed to release. This week, let’s think about what we can give or share with other people this week. Let us invite people to come along with us on this Journey. I pray that we can all expand either financially or expand the Love Circle and we can invite more people to participate. With some effort we can make that Circle of abundance bigger and bigger and bless more and more people.
If you have a couple of minutes that you can leave a comment and share any of your thoughts or questions…. I would be so grateful. I would love any of your feedback so thanks you all. I hope you have the most amazing week full of love, happiness and joy.