Food is the only thing i have control of.
I have been a stay at home mom for over 23 years. I worked a part time job in 2020 but most of my married life i have not had a job outside of the home. My husband and I have owned a landscaping business together and I was helping with that. But I had no real control over what happened in the business. I could try to manage the money but as long as it was only me paying attention it never mattered. it got to the point that I knew the money was going to be spent so I wanted to spend my part before it was gone.
Now that I am out here living away from all the things that I love I am being forced to see things that I never saw before.
I am working a full-time job. I am doing phone sales and it is really hard. Daily we are called names and have to deal with rejection. But despite that I am still performing really well at my work. I think it is because I actually care about people. I want to help them. I believe I have a product that can help them.
Before I started working I never felt like I was a hard worker. I always felt lazy. I couldn’t get myself to do anything. But at work I am right on top of things I am showing up and I am performing.
So what does this tell me about myself? I AM motivated when I know that I have some kind of control over my results.
So it made me think about my relationship with food. Even as a little girl I have so many comforting memories around food. I know that I looked forward to eating every day.
I also had scarcities around making sure i had money to be able to buy food. That’s why I would steal money from my sister or go under the porch of the little store by my house to see if I can find change just to buy me a little piece of candy.
One time I was in therapy and I was told that I am really good at feeding myself. I remember that was SO weird to hear. I’m not proud of that fact but t is a true. I do whatever it takes to feed myself and I have ever since I was a little girl.
So now that I am working I can see what I’m capable of. It is showing me who i really am and it is different than i thought. I’m planning and dreaming about what the future could look like for me.
I want to create more income. I want to have abundance in my life. What if abundance is going to be part of my healing. If I didn’t have scarcity around money and food maybe I could just sit with myself in those moments that I felt uncomfortable. Maybe being able to make money will help me be able to invest more on myself. Maybe it will give me opportunities to buy food that I actually enjoy. What if I can make enough money to pay somebody to make food that I love? The possibilities are endless.
So in conclusion I am realizing that I have always struggled with feeling like I have had any sort of control in my life. Even when I was a little girl I felt like I had to do and be what everyone wanted me to do and be.
When I got married I felt like i had to do exactly what my husband wanted me to do.
Food was the only thing I was good at controlling. wow that therapist really knew what he was talking about. The problem is I wasn’t taking responsibility for my life at that point. I was still a victim. Things out here are not always amazing. There are some circumstances that are not good. Someday I may be able to share them but as of right now I am focusing on my own healing. How can I better myself in the situation? How Can I create the Life that fulfills me despite what my husband is doing?
Even though I realized that food is the only thing that I have ever had control over. And that control I held onto so tightly has created a body that is over 300 pounds now.
So the real key is to not try to control anything. Learn to live with what is. Learn to be home within yourself.
Learn to surrender and not try to control anything.
This is the next step.