Have fun and stop worrying

I am still feeling the same feelings of shame, fear and embarrassment as I did in last weeks blog post. Click here if you missed it. But I feel like I got worse. I continued to post on my social media… even though I was feeling really insecure. Still i didn’t have much engagement but I kept pushing forward thinking it would just get better. Now…. I feel like there are some new emotions that have started to come up for me. I noticed that a few weeks ago… I was enjoying creating all my content. I remember it taking a lot of my time but I loved it. And then once I started to worry about what others thing of me…. I started dreading it. I started feeling overwhelmed and disconnected. I have also been really emotional and feeling very lonely. Have you ever been surrounded by your family, yet feel so alone? That is what I was feeling. I have shed many tears this week. I had some new negative thoughts come up for me.

First situation I wanted to share is my feeling about Christmas… since it is right around the corner. Anyone who knows me… knows that I have always LOVED Christmas. I was the girl that decorated right after Halloween because I couldn’t wait any longer. Ahhhhh I loved it so much. I have totally lost that excitement. My love for Christmas has not been the same for the past 6 years atleast. Christmas started to become something I dread and fear. I put so much pressure on myself to make sure my kids have enough for Christmas. Then I would feel guilt for spending the money. I put pressure on myself to be able to surprise them because that is what Christmas morning is all about right? And as the kids got older… it got harder and harder. So… if that didn’t help you understand my disconnection with Christmas then maybe the fact that I hadn’t even put up a Christmas tree yet will help you. It was less than a week away and I didn’t even have the desire to put it up at all. Maybe this is normal? I have no idea but it isn’t normal for me. I’d love to know if anyone else feels like this. So I was thinking that maybe Christmas coming up …. has me feeling all the stress and guilt and that has set me off? So…. I know I need to decorate for my kids but I don’t want to! haha. My husband was worried about me so on Sunday evening he helped me put up the Christmas tree. After it was done I went to my room and sobbed.

“What is wrong with me?”

“I can’t even be a good enough mom and wife to put up a Christmas tree for my family!”

“Jason would probably be better off with a different wife who actually does something to help him.”

Wow… it was bad and it felt so real. I felt like a child who refused to grow up. I knew the thoughts I was having weren’t helping me but I just wasn’t ready to change them for some reason. I think maybe I wanted to stay sad? I’m still not exactly sure.

SO ya…. there is that.

Another thing that I asked myself was…

“What am I doing differently?”

“Why was I feeling so good and then all of the sudden I’m back to beating myself up again?”

There were a few things that came to my mind. One was the fact that when I am not being very conscious about my choices… I will pick my phone up while still in bed…. first thing in the morning and check my email and all of my social media stuff. This is something I have done for a long time. I get seriously addicted to social media if i am not careful.

When I started meditating first thing in the morning… I didn’t want to check anything before it because I read that it is best to meditate as close to waking up as possible. So that is what I would do. I have done meditation this week but not first thing in the morning.

Second thing is that I started staying up later on my phone or watching tv instead of getting my sleep. It is another way to distract me from being present with myself. These are all habits that I have been used to having. The go to bed early and wake early thing was something I practiced when I was feeling good and doing good. I know it is good for me!

So this morning I decided that I needed do a meditation where I visit God and see if he has some instructions for me. Side note…. I found out that I could visit God in my meditation. It is incredible. He can embrace me. He can talk to me. I can see him and feel him. He can send angels to be with me and my family. He can bless me. It really is amazing. You should try it and let me know what you think.

I hugged him and told him I feel really lost. I asked him what I should do. He told me “If what you are doing is not enjoyable…. it’s not right!” but then I questioned this answer because I always was taught that life is hard. He told me . “You need to have fun doing what you are doing”! Whaaaat? But I’ve always believed that life is a trial and that you have to push yourself to do things you don’t want to do in order to achieve success. Then he said to me “You need to learn how to play and have fun. And if you really understand that everything happens to help you…. you can have joy no matter what you’re going through. When it comes to sharing your experience…. if you aren’t having fun…. don’t do it. All that matters is what I think of you and I will love you no matter what you do. I want you to be happy. I want you to grow and become the best version of yourself. That’s why your here.”

He also asked me to “Look at that little girl” (he pointed and I looked over to I see me as a little girl…. needing someone to play with). “Go play with her”. So I did. Little Aleisha and I were on the beach together. She seemed sad and lonely (which are the exact feelings I’ve been experiencing lately) I tell her “You know what? You need some fun in your life. Let’s go play and have fun. We played and laughed together. And before I left her I said this to her…. “Don’t forget you aren’t ever alone…. you have me and God and that’s all we need.”

Then I hear God say to us …. “go have fun and stop worrying”.

I had to grab my phone and write all of this down so I didn’t forget. I realized that I don’t even know how to play anymore. What is even fun to me? Maybe this is something I need to learn and discover.

I felt prompted to message my mentor Angel and asked her this question. “How do i know that it’s God answering and not myself answering?” This is what she replied to me.

My Mentor Angel Naivalu’s response to me:

“This is pure truth. Based on my experiences and seeing what others get as answers when they seek truth I see this being in line with the truths God has taught me Ask, receive, trust, and act on it with courage.

As a practice, try this on “I’m willing to act on these thoughts with a WHAT IF approach. What if this is God? I’ll never know what’s possible If I don’t experiment on the word.

Then, the fact that these words that came to you are all directly opposite of what you’ve been taught … there’s that 180 degree shift from fallacy to truth that you’re looking for. Truth shows up for me as direct opposite of what I’ve been taught.

Lastly, look at what you’re used to thinking about how it makes you and others who live that way, feel. Contrast those feelings with the feelings that show up when you even just THINK about the messages that showed up from God. Captivity on one hand, freedom on the other.”

I am taking that advice from Angel and put what I have been told into the context…..

So…. I ASKed, I RECEIVEd an answer, I now need to TRUST that answer and ACT on it with courage. Because…… just like Angel said…… What if this is God? What if learning how to play and doing things that make me happy is exactly what I need to do? I will never know what is possible if I don’t experiment the answer I recieved.

My mentor always teaches us that truth is the exact opposite of what you fear. So I have been taught that life is hard and you can’t just enjoy life and be successful…. and the opposite is that life IS easy and you CAN enjoy life AND be successful? hmmmmmm

IF God is FREEDOM, and Satan is captivity.

Which message would God want me to have?

Life has to be hard to be successful? How does that thought make me feel? Wow… sounds like a lot of work and scary. Makes me feel like I probably won’t ever make it so why should I try.

Life can be easy and you can be successful? How does that thought make me feel? It sounds like a dream. Unrealistic. If it were true…. anything would be possible.

So… there are a lot of things for me to think about this week. This journey of mine is all about breaking all of these patterns of habits that I have been conditioned to believe and do. To take all the feelings, emotions and thoughts as evidence and clues to what else is there for me to learn.

Because the truth is….. If I continue to do what I have done…. I will keep getting what I’ve got and I want more in life. I want more than worry, fear and stress. I want freedom.